Lately, I’ve been thinking more about the direction my life is taking. Is it where I want it to go? If not, how do I course correct? The latter question is more difficult because I’m in my mid-thirties now. It feels like it’s simply too late to do anything of import.
But, despite that, I want to change. (Oh goodness, just thinking that thought makes me tired. It seems like my entire life has been one long cycle of wanting to change, but not.) I want something better. What that something is still remains to be seen. For the most part, I’ve just been trying to find the least horrible life path…and failing miserably.
So, for now, all I can do is keep doing. Find a reason to press forward. Find a reason to wake up in the morning. (Scary thought, two days ago, I had the weirdest thought upon waking–in turns hilarious and frightening: If my house were clean, there’s a good chance I’d just press the permanent reset button. Not that I actually would, mind.) But most of all, I need to keep exploring.
Something–a small voice in the back of my head maybe–keeps telling me that as long as I’m exploring all the wonders of the world around me, there’s a good chance I’ll land on something that will stick. I just hope it doesn’t happen too late. For crying out loud, I’d like to have a family before my uterus becomes a wasteland. And for that to happen, I need to stumble upon someone I truly care about and trust. (Nope, I don’t plan to take the single mommy-select-a-dad route, not that there’s anything wrong with that, it’s just not the proper choice for me.)
Bah. Today my mind is just all over the place. Time to go meditate for a minute.