Month: March 2017

Well, the sugar-fast went. Try as I might, I slipped right off that bandwagon a few weeks ago and though I did look back, I simply haven’t climbed back on. Mind, I haven’t been horrible about it–as in I haven’t been mainlining sugar or anything–I just haven’t made the conscious effort to see how much sugar is in anything I eat.

I need to though. I caught a glimpse of my arm-fat in the mirror as I was combing my hair last night and winced. It’s truly a horrible sight to see, especially when less than a year ago, I had some lovely svelte and sculpted arms.

So, beginning on Monday, I’m going to get stricter about the sugar consumption. Also, about the processed food consumption, too.

Since I started working–in the outside world–I’ve learned a few things: working retail truly does suck ass. Also, I now believe everyone should be forced to work retail for at least one month of their lives.

In retail, you start to understand the various types of people there are in this world. There are caring people, careless people, clueless people, hopeless people, dishonest people, and people who just seem like they have all their shit together and it makes you hate them all that much more.

I watch the people as they browse the store. I pay attention to their mannerisms, how they look at things, move things, put them back (or don’t), and then I move in for the next phase, I talk to them. How they respond (or don’t) tells me loads about their character. It’s also helpful in learning how to judge a person’s character before making contact.

But more than that, it’s also a humbling experience. It’s a reminder that we’re all human beings deserving of unconditional respect regardless of race, gender, or even biases. (That last one is difficult to say considering the amounts of bigoted people I’ve also met and stories I’ve heard.) Now, if everyone in the world were to work retail, for at least a month, I believe it would make the world a far more caring and thoughtful place. (Unless, of course, you’re a determined sociopath.)

Lately, I’ve been thinking more about the direction my life is taking. Is it where I want it to go? If not, how do I course correct? The latter question is more difficult because I’m in my mid-thirties now. It feels like it’s simply too late to do anything of import.

But, despite that, I want to change. (Oh goodness, just thinking that thought makes me tired. It seems like my entire life has been one long cycle of wanting to change, but not.) I want something better. What that something is still remains to be seen. For the most part, I’ve just been trying to find the least horrible life path…and failing miserably.

So, for now, all I can do is keep doing. Find a reason to press forward. Find a reason to wake up in the morning. (Scary thought, two days ago, I had the weirdest thought upon waking–in turns hilarious and frightening: If my house were clean, there’s a good chance I’d just press the permanent reset button. Not that I actually would, mind.) But most of all, I need to keep exploring.

Something–a small voice in the back of my head maybe–keeps telling me that as long as I’m exploring all the wonders of the world around me, there’s a good chance I’ll land on something that will stick. I just hope it doesn’t happen too late. For crying out loud, I’d like to have a family before my uterus becomes a wasteland. And for that to happen, I need to stumble upon someone I truly care about and trust. (Nope, I don’t plan to take the single mommy-select-a-dad route, not that there’s anything wrong with that, it’s just not the proper choice for me.)

Bah. Today my mind is just all over the place. Time to go meditate for a minute.